From snide asides to their friends and outright ridicule to undermining authority and adherence to a subjective social order, the moms can be cutthroat. All in the name of their children, of course. But don’t let the “mother bear” label fool anyone. They are bullies, plain and simple. As our country has become more aware of the effects of bullying on our kids, we are also becoming more aware of bullying in the workplace and among neighbors. I don’t think, however, that bullying among moms on the volunteer parent groups is on many people’s radar just yet. It should be.

Have you ever watched The Mean Girls? If you have teenage girls, you definitely have!
You know that group of “cool people” in the school that (almost) everyone wanted to be friends with despite their nasty and superficial attitudes? Them.

Growing up since Elementary & High School, you can say I was one of the “cool girls”.
I grew up & hung around all the “right” people, I participated in school functions & activities, I was a scholar, I dated the “hot” guys, had a nice car, and I was always one of the first to be invited & in the know about all the best parties!
Yes, I was a popular girl.
But you want to know what really made me popular and I can honestly say I’m very proud of? I was nice.
I was social with everyone — the “nerds”, the “goths”, the “jocks, the “skaters”, the “loners”… Any and all — I had no problems with anyone.

Now as an adult and a mother, the importance of anti-bullying matters a whole lot more to me than ever before. My daughter is 3 and starting school next September. At already such a young age, when taking her to the playground, I’ve already seen young children exhibiting signs of bullying. It’s awful!
I can’t imagine how I would feel if my daughter fell victim to bullying.

But you know what’s funny? Even as an adult, I’ve seen (this has not happened to me personally), some pretty horrid Bully Moms. Yes, they do exist! Look around your PTA board, neighborhood, church, office, even online on Social Media networks and you will probably know what I’m talking about.

What Makes a Mom a Bully?
There seems to be an assumption that since moms are often the ones working with the kids to combat childhood bullying, they must be immune from the problem. Not at all. We may call it adult cliques, or even put it off to the social structure of the town, but what makes a bully is the same in every place and every age. One website lists bullying as “persistent unwelcome behavior, mostly using unwarranted or invalid criticism, nit-picking, fault-finding, also exclusion, isolation, being singled out and treated differently, being shouted at, humiliated, excessive monitoring, having verbal and written warnings imposed, and much more.” How often has that happened in your community. Heck, in your playgroup?

Think about just any recent issue of any significant discussion in your community. Did any of the following occur?

  • A mom tried to make another feel uncomfortable about their position on the issue, or called names, or spread a rumor, and did it more than once?
  • A mom was so determined for the outcome to be as they wanted it that they were willing to do just about anything to anyone to get it?
  • A mom seemed to derive satisfaction or power from these behaviors.
  • A mom tried to rally others to this behavior.

All that is bullying behavior. In a social/community organization situation, it not only is unhealthy for the persons directly involved, but it impedes the goals of and participation in the organization. Who would want to be a part of the parent group if that is going on?

What are some of the results of such Bullying?
One very big result of this kind of behavior that I see in my community is lack of participation. People just don’t want to get involved when that is going on – then they get called apathetic because of it. (Great cycle!) We are really losing out on some great ideas and great minds by tolerating bullying behaviors from a select few. Our whole community loses. That, however, is just the simple results.

Other results of bullying are just as they are for kids. Those being bullied can experience loss of self-esteem, non-acceptance, fear, anxiety, even depression. We may not see it as readily as we do with kids (moms I know are much more adept at hiding issues than when we were kids), but it’s still there.

As parents, it’s our job to model appropriate behaviors. If we don’t recognize and stand up to bullying, how can we expect our kids to do the same? Accepting bullying of this or any kind reinforces the status quo – and the negative cycle.

What can you do? 
First of all, look at yourself in the mirror and ask the honest question, “Do I engage in any of these behaviors?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe, resolve to stop and take whatever steps you need to display respect for those around you. If you need to apologize, do so. I admit that I’ve made some mistakes in this area, and it’s a hard realization.

Then you need to make the decision about whether you want to be the one to speak up. Whether you do or do not is wholly up to you. Some moms feel empowered to affect change in these situations, some don’t. If you do: 

  • Call it what it is: You won’t be popular, but bullying issues need to be addressed at all levels, for the health of the whole community.
  • Be prepared for backlash: The bullying behaviors you are trying to squelch may become more intense at first in response. No one likes having their less than stellar behaviors called out; they can get defensive.
  • Don’t stoop to their level: Engaging in some of the same negative behaviors can feel like the easy thing to do, especially when the bullying behaviors are directed at you. It’s not, however, the right thing to do.
  • Look for and accept support where you can: I bet that if you bring it up, someone will quietly contact you in support. Maybe more than one, and maybe that small group can be the genesis of change going forward.
  • Work for a solution:
    Try, if at all possible, to focus on the end result, the desired positive outcome. Ask for more discourse on the topic, again and again if you have to. Ask for the training materials that are used with the kids to be used in your group. 

No matter your best efforts, you may not be able to solve the problem. This is disappointing, and everyone needs to decide for themselves how much they can give to a particular effort. I think, though, that it’s most important to raise the issue. Your community will benefit in the long run.

Photo Credit: Mavavoomcom

3 Comments on Bullying Mommies: They do Exist!

  1. So well written!!
    I had a extremely well paying job. I loved it! After 2 years of work I started a friendship with a manger (not my manager) She befriended even my family & followed us out to our reg weekend camping spot. She seemed nice even though we did everything her way. Told me stuff about company that I should not know etc. Lay offs started. Unfair in my opinion. Even though her job was not effected she wanted me to console her. When I didn’t she turned ugly. Oh the things she did …. I had to take “stress leave” per Doc orders. My Doc said she was an adult bilully & for my health to leave that job since there were no percussion to her behaviour. To this day I have never been able to trust people I work with. A lasting effect. I print this story so others know they are not alone. I felt helpless at the time. I miss the $ as it made a difference to my kids. But taking my Doctors orders was the best & only choice for me.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience, Norma Jane.
      I, too, have had a very similar experience in one of my previous positions. And yes, sadly has contributed to my inability to trust many moving forward.
      What was most upsetting is when you have to be the one to sacrifice your years of hard work which in turn affects your family as well, even though you did nothing wrong.
      It was a hard time but it was the best decision of my life.
      Sometimes life can really throw some harsh challenges your way but I really believe that is a reason for them. I honestly would not have been where I am nor have the mindset I do to tackle the tribulations in life had it not been for my bad experiences. Thank you, bully, for strengthening me.
      Not everyone will feel that way or come out of a situation stronger, in fact, it can be an opposite downward spiral for some. This is why it’s so important to talk about it publicly and help other adults that go through this with some sort of comfort and strength to push through. I also believe it’s a topic all workplaces should be trained on with more serious repercussions.

  2. I see it all the time. Especially at Casons hockey practices. I would usually bring a coffee and timbits some mornings for practice and there’s this one mom that constantly belittles me and treats me like I’m just trying to suck up to other moms when that is not my intention.
    Not sure if it’s because she’s losing the attention she craves? Hmmm…
    anyway, I love your blog posts! It’s like you always say what’s on my mind. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *