Warning: Rants of a “Bitch” ahead.

See that woman over there standing alone at the sidelines waving goodbye to her daughter as the bus rolls away? Not the one converged in a “sorority circle” chatting away with the other moms in sweatsuits and ponytails — the one with her hair nicely done, red lipstick, trench coat and heels.
The quiet one that smiles with her eyes as she lovingly watches her child be an independent bird and then says a quick goodbye to everyone then walks away with poise leaving a fragment of her beautiful perfume.

She’s the same mom that you’ll find having deep, purposeful conversation with another person at a gathering as opposed to gallivanting, trying to be the life of the party.

She’s the one that quietly observes others around, gauging who is genuine and who she thinks she’d like to get to know better rather than wasting time trying to impress the whole world.

If you didn’t already figure it out, that woman is me.
A mother of two, growing into myself, yearning for culture, good hearty conversation and of course, friendship.
Admittedly, I don’t have many close friends.

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As the older child, I’ve always played the role of an older sister and sadly many friendships have slipped through the cracks.
Times when I needed my friends the most especially during my adolescent and teenage years, were when they evaporated, and perhaps that’s why some walls have been put up to protect myself from letting anyone else in.
I don’t need a psychologist to tell me that I need to learn to open my heart more to allow others to know who I am, I know who I am.
It’s others that I just can’t seem to trust.
Call it what you want, but we all know it’s true — people are no longer themselves around others anymore. Everyone has a wall up.

Whether that wall is shown by being passive-aggressive towards others, by sarcasm masked as humour or by trying to be liked by everyone by saying just about anything to make you look good, we all have a wall that we have up and are just waiting for the right people to break that down.

Here’s why I think it may be harder for me to make real friends… I’m going to be candid here: Other women/mothers feel that they just can’t relate to me therefore they keep a distance.
I’m a gen-Yer (31 to be exact) with 2 children and was married young.
It’s not easy finding others that are in a similar dynamic.
Yes, yes I have spent some time thinking about this. It’s called reflection. It’s something I do often. Alone.

I’m looked upon as any one of the following:
– pish-posh and high-maintenance
– stuck-up or snobby
– selfish
– self-absorbed
– bitch

Here’s the real deal:
pish-posh and high-maintenance: I love fashion and keeping up with appearances is actually something I do care about, not for anyone but for myself.
I feel happy and confident and at my best when I dress up, make-up and have my hair done. And guess what, it only takes me half an hour to fully get ready every morning.
How’s that for a shocker?
High-maintenance? Not even!
I love labels and designer brands but that doesn’t define who I am.
The same way some peoples’ public humanitarian efforts or hard-core feminist/burn-your-bra social outbursts or I’m getting sh*t-faced because it’s Friday instagram pictures don’t define who they are either.

stuck-up or snobby: I have a case of the chronic bitch-face and as I mentioned above, I have my own walls and am very picky and choosy with whom I engage with.
If that means I’m stuck-up or snobby, than I guess I am. Sorry I’m not sorry.
If you’re lucky enough to get in my very small circle, I will love you, laugh silly with you, trust you, have your back and be loyal to you 101%.

selfish: I’ve been called this before when I have cancelled plans to spend time at home with my family or just get in some quality ME-time for myself.
I think every woman (mother or not) needs to be this kind of “selfish” for her overall well-being.
I just like to make my time useful.
I’m an introvert and I also would rather be around those I want to and not having shallow talk with those I’d rather not be around.
Yeah, maybe selfish to some but I’m happy like this.
My soul is happy like this.

self-absorbed: It’s a given I love my selfie’s and yes, I often share lots of accomplishments of mine and my loved ones on social.
Do I love my life? Find myself intelligent and beautiful? Think my kids and family are the best there is? Heck yeah!
But I also know that I’m an imperfect human too, flaws and all. It’s called humble confidence.

bitch: read everything above.

Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

Oh how I love this song. Alanis, is one lady that totally and completely gets me.
She’s one person I would like in my little, teeny and very happy circle.

Stop trying to impress others and start impressing yourself.
Only then will you attract the right people and the right opportunities in your life. 

Peace, love and macarons.

22 comments on “I’m a Bitch, I’m a Lover, I’m a Child, I’m a Mother”

  1. Well written. I can relate on so many points. It’s good to let it all out. And hey we deserve to be selfish one in a while, we need that me time.

  2. Thanks for writing this — I saw a lot of myself in your response, and reflected that there’s a lot of parts of me that I need to work on accepting. xox

  3. Really wonderful post. Alanis had it right didn’t she? I’m very much a loner and don’t really have any friends, which makes me very sad but at the same time, not.

    • Aww I try to avoid the word “loner” as it sounds so dreary. I think it’s a good thing… less drama to deal with. Ha! 🙂
      In seriousness, nothing wrong with it and it’s totally up to the individual how they feel about being a “lone wolf”. In this chaotic world we live in, enjoy the silence my friend. xx I’m here if you ever want to chat too! 🙂

  4. I love this article. Especially the selfish part. I am big on the me time. Some people area amazed I take me time all the time but seriously would it be better if we lost ourselves in all this chaos?

  5. Thanks for the great article! I’m a loner and have no friends other than my husband and my girls, a lot of people have said I am stuck up or bitchy, but in reality I’m a very shy person and I even have anxiety attacks around to many people, but that is something they don’t know, so they just assume. That is the problem people always just assume instead of knowing.

    • I think that’s totally OK, Lynda. I also think that introverts are extremely loving and highly intelligent people. 🙂
      People will always judge what they don’t know. It’s human nature. As long as you’re comfortable and happy is all that matters!

    • Everyone does, Melissa. At least you can admit that and are aware of what they are.
      That’s a rarity. Many people are just good at pretending.
      If you’re conceived as a bitch for those reasons – more power to you.
      Those are the kinds of “bitches” I like. 😉

  6. You and me sound like we have the same problem. After I left work to have my boys, I don’t hear from my girl friends as often. I wish I had more. It’s not easy being a SAHM especially in the Winter. That’s why I love Twitter. I can talk to other people through Twitter. I would love more friends. Everyone seems so busy with their own lives though. It sucks sometimes.

    • Yes, it’s definitely not easy but support is always appreciated.
      It’s amazing how supportive and genuinely caring a lot of friends I’ve met online have been! I think all mothers (and women in general) need to continue being there for one another — it takes a village!
      Everyone needs someone they can confide in and get that much-needed break with. For me, I can count them all in one hand and I’m so grateful for each of them! 🙂

  7. I know how you feel we moved so much. We have lived here yr and half and I dont have any friends. I tried but you tend to give up when you find yourself sitting at a table alone at town functions. maybe its my deodorant lol

    • Ha-ha! Highly doubt it’s your deodorant.
      Never easy moving often — makes it a little more difficult to fully establish and grow relationships.
      Next time you’re at a town function, scope out the crowd and try sparking a convo with someone you think you’d mesh with.
      I look at all kinds of relationships like “dating”. 🙂

  8. I always love these kinds of posts from you Carol! It’s nice to see others who share the same sentiment/family dynamic.

    I have a serious bitchy resting face too lol but I like it just the way it is!

    I used to think that being able to count your close friends on one hand was sad but I’ve never been one to seek out a big circle and I quite like that I have a few close ones I can REALLY trust.

    Thanks for sharing and giving a glimpse in your world!

    xo

    • Jennee – Thanks so much for the read and comment. I always enjoy hearing what you have to say as well.
      It sounds like we are very similar, indeed. RBF and all! Ha!
      I’ve always been happy this way growing up. Ditching party and club invites (although there were a few awesome one I couldn’t turn down! :D) to staying home and veg out in my room with a movie and a close friend in our flannels jamming to Backstreet Boys, shaking my head at the never-ending soap opera that are girls and their insecurities and cliquey dramas.
      This continued on even into college and then into the workplace when my career started and now into motherhood.
      It’s not easy for some people to really and truly feel comfortable and proud of who they are, without the need to impress for success.
      When they finally do, it’s empowering.

  9. Love this post so much.
    And it’s true, we all have our walls up. I respect that you are genuine and real and are selective about who you surround yourself with. I think everyone should be.
    Sorry about those friends that have slipped away… they lucked out on having you by their side. xo

  10. You sure I didn’t write this post? I’d say I’m an introvert and an extrovert at times. I can relate to your post so much. Friends are hard to come by, even more so as we age!
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with being put together and caring about how you look/dress. I hate the insinuation that women with kids must dress a certain way. You are a confident, strong woman who puts her family first – that is the most important treasure. xoxo

    • Maria — Kindred spirits.
      I can be extroverted at times but my soul is so much more at ease when I’m alone. And yes, making new friends is like dating!
      It really does get tougher as you get older but when you find them, they are so strong. And the best kind.
      Thanks for reading. xx

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