Warning: Rants of a “Bitch” ahead.
See that woman over there standing alone at the sidelines waving goodbye to her daughter as the bus rolls away? Not the one converged in a “sorority circle” chatting away with the other moms in sweatsuits and ponytails — the one with her hair nicely done, red lipstick, trench coat and heels.
The quiet one that smiles with her eyes as she lovingly watches her child be an independent bird and then says a quick goodbye to everyone then walks away with poise leaving a fragment of her beautiful perfume.
She’s the same mom that you’ll find having deep, purposeful conversation with another person at a gathering as opposed to gallivanting, trying to be the life of the party.
She’s the one that quietly observes others around, gauging who is genuine and who she thinks she’d like to get to know better rather than wasting time trying to impress the whole world.
If you didn’t already figure it out, that woman is me.
A mother of two, growing into myself, yearning for culture, good hearty conversation and of course, friendship.
Admittedly, I don’t have many close friends.
As the older child, I’ve always played the role of an older sister and sadly many friendships have slipped through the cracks.
Times when I needed my friends the most especially during my adolescent and teenage years, were when they evaporated, and perhaps that’s why some walls have been put up to protect myself from letting anyone else in.
I don’t need a psychologist to tell me that I need to learn to open my heart more to allow others to know who I am, I know who I am.
It’s others that I just can’t seem to trust.
Call it what you want, but we all know it’s true — people are no longer themselves around others anymore. Everyone has a wall up.
Whether that wall is shown by being passive-aggressive towards others, by sarcasm masked as humour or by trying to be liked by everyone by saying just about anything to make you look good, we all have a wall that we have up and are just waiting for the right people to break that down.
Here’s why I think it may be harder for me to make real friends… I’m going to be candid here: Other women/mothers feel that they just can’t relate to me therefore they keep a distance.
I’m a gen-Yer (31 to be exact) with 2 children and was married young.
It’s not easy finding others that are in a similar dynamic.
Yes, yes I have spent some time thinking about this. It’s called reflection. It’s something I do often. Alone.
I’m looked upon as any one of the following:
– pish-posh and high-maintenance
– stuck-up or snobby
Here’s the real deal:
– pish-posh and high-maintenance: I love fashion and keeping up with appearances is actually something I do care about, not for anyone but for myself.
I feel happy and confident and at my best when I dress up, make-up and have my hair done. And guess what, it only takes me half an hour to fully get ready every morning.
How’s that for a shocker?
High-maintenance? Not even!
I love labels and designer brands but that doesn’t define who I am.
The same way some peoples’ public humanitarian efforts or hard-core feminist/burn-your-bra social outbursts or I’m getting sh*t-faced because it’s Friday instagram pictures don’t define who they are either.
– stuck-up or snobby: I have a case of the chronic bitch-face and as I mentioned above, I have my own walls and am very picky and choosy with whom I engage with.
If that means I’m stuck-up or snobby, than I guess I am. Sorry I’m not sorry.
If you’re lucky enough to get in my very small circle, I will love you, laugh silly with you, trust you, have your back and be loyal to you 101%.
– selfish: I’ve been called this before when I have cancelled plans to spend time at home with my family or just get in some quality ME-time for myself.
I think every woman (mother or not) needs to be this kind of “selfish” for her overall well-being.
I just like to make my time useful.
I’m an introvert and I also would rather be around those I want to and not having shallow talk with those I’d rather not be around.
Yeah, maybe selfish to some but I’m happy like this.
My soul is happy like this.
– self-absorbed: It’s a given I love my selfie’s and yes, I often share lots of accomplishments of mine and my loved ones on social.
Do I love my life? Find myself intelligent and beautiful? Think my kids and family are the best there is? Heck yeah!
But I also know that I’m an imperfect human too, flaws and all. It’s called humble confidence.
– bitch: read everything above.
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you’d be so confused
I don’t envy you
I’m a little bit of everything
All rolled into one
I’m a bitch, I’m a lover
I’m a child, I’m a mother
I’m a sinner, I’m a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell, I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between
You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.
Oh how I love this song. Alanis, is one lady that totally and completely gets me.
She’s one person I would like in my little, teeny and very happy circle.
Stop trying to impress others and start impressing yourself.
Only then will you attract the right people and the right opportunities in your life.
Peace, love and macarons.